Making New Memories

Another hard hurdle I had to go through today.  This is a picture of Bellas dance bag and uniform from last year.  I got it out of her closet because I am registering Baylor tomorrow for her first year of dance at Powell Moise and I needed to know what fit?  Well everything fit her.  She was so excited to wear her big sis dance uniform.  Before Bella passed away I asked her if it was ok if Baylor went to her dance studio.  Bella told me yes but not in her class.  It is so ironic that Baylor's class time is the same class time Bella's was last year.  It is going to be hard to do the same routine without my Bella but what I have learned through many counseling sessions is I have to live through it and make new memories to lift some of the pain.  I'm trying to do it but some things are just so hard.  I don't know why God has put me through the many hardships in my life that I have gone through in only 39 short years but I can only hope that the payoff is unimaginable and will be amazing!

Believe!

Its been a while since I have posted but we have taken some time off during the summer and also trying to adjust to our "new life".

I have a story to tell that will remind you how Bella is still here and alive all around us.

Last week we received a letter from St. Jude asking us to come and participate in a Memorial service honoring Bella and other children who lost there battle with cancer.  I had trouble sleeping all week and I just wasn't myself.  I kept thinking how am I going to walk the same halls I had last walked with Bella.  It was our place.  Our memories.  Our special place where we used to eat at the Kay Cafe.  Our favorite place where I used to read to her while we were waiting for her next therapy.  How would I see the doctors and nurses again?  It was a lot to take in and I knew that it was a hurdle that I wanted to go through, but the thought of it made me very sad!  So I asked Bella to come and help my sad heart and that I needed to know she was still with me.

 Later that night we were having our family movie night on the couch and Baylor brought in blankets for all of us.  I really didn't notice which ones she had brought to us but after the movie was over and Trey and Baylor were asleep and I was still on the couch alone,  I realized that I was covered in the orange pumpkin blanket that I had given to Bella when we were at St Jude and it was her favorite.  She was always wrapped up in it and it always had to be on her bed!!!  The crazy thing, this blanket was put away when we came home from the hospital after Bella had passed away and I had not seen it since.  I know it was Bella's way of wrapping herself around me when I needed her.  I sat and cried holding that blanket.  I could smell her!   This was her way of telling me that I can do it and she will be there with me!  If only I could hear her sweet voice telling me it was going to be ok like she always did, if only I could hold her warm body one more time!  I would give up give my life up for that one moment!

Here are four words that you should take with you today that Trey encouraged and reminded me to keep going and keep her story alive:  STRENGTH, FAITH, COURAGE and BELIEF!  Anything is possible if you just BELIEVE!